Friday, June 23, 2017

Happy Colonoscopy Day!



Today Dan had his very first colonoscopy and let me tell you it was a treat to witness. Okay, I didn't actually witness the procedure but I did witness the pregame and aftermath of it all. 

Things you should know about getting a colonoscopy:
1. The preparation is shitty. 
2. When wearing a gown, for the love of God, keep your legs closed. 
3. You can't fight anesthesia so don't even try. 

Arriving at the office, Dan was very nervous. On a level between one and vasectomy, I'd say it was up there with his vasectomy. 

The nurses were extremely nice and after learning that Dan is a police officer and working in the city which they both live, made for interesting conversation. Dan made it perfectly clear that in his 25 years of serving he has never written a nurse and will never because of this situation right here. They thanked him for his service and he profusely thanked them for their service. 

Everyone is getting serviced today. Thanks all... 

Men, I know that you aren't accustomed to wearing dresses but there is an entire protocol when wearing one. It's called modesty, as in, let's try and have some. 

After Dan changed into his gown, things turned up a bit. As he was trying to sit on the bed the entire hospital received a nice view of his entire crotchal region. And I mean all of it.

The nurse turned and said, "oh my!" Dan asked me if his butt was hanging out. And I couldn't stop laughing and said, "Your butt is fine but everyone can see your penis..." 

Then they gave him a larger gown but honestly it didn't matter. 

They took him back and all went smoothly as planned. Less than thirty minutes later, the nurse came to get me from the waiting room and brought me back to Dan's room where I saw him completely passed out cold.

When the doctor came in to tell me about the procedure, I thought he was smiling a little brighter than one whose career involves looking at assholes should be. Also the anesthesiologist walked by chuckling and said, "Hey Dan!" and gave me a little wink.

I was a bit suspicious, what did he say to these people? 

This is when I should have propped my phone up and hit record. 

Standing at his bedside, holding his hand, I notice he is trying to talk. He is mouthing something to me. I lean in and try to reassure him everything went well. The nurse is standing next to me letting me know he will wake up soon. He continues to mouth the same thing over and over until he finds his voice and says, "take your top off." 

I look at the nurse and she laughs. Now that he has found his voice he continues with telling me to take my top off and adds, "close the curtain," and mumbles other things. It's hard to hear but I make out things like:

I have loved you for thirty years- that's nice, we've been together for twenty-two years... and thirty years ago you were loving me at ten... 
My doctor said you were smokin hot- really Dan? Your doctor said that... to your face...really?

I'm rolling my eyes, even though I know he can't see me, and firmly remind him where we are and very sternly tell him to clean it up. 

Then the nurse returns and this happens: 
Nurse: Dan, would you like anything to drink?
Dan: *eyes still closed and no response.
Nurse: Dan, I have apple juice, sprite, or water. Would you like something to drink?
Dan: {starting to flutter awake} I'll take a bourbon. 
Me: No you won't, Jesus! Please could he have a sprite and thank you so much. 

When the nurse returns he tries to explain that he usually only drinks on the weekends and does not have an alcohol problem. She chuckles and hands him his sprite and leaves. I fake toast his fake bourbon and say "to health" and we both take a shot. 

After a few minutes he finally comes back to awareness and remembers nothing. I tell him, "funny how a shot of bourbon can do that." Dan's a little confused but I'm guessing flashes of memory are starting to come back to him. He looks at me and asks if he said anything inappropriate. 

The good news is that:
1. Dan is a lover not a fighter when under the influence.
2. His colon is clear and will not be violated for another five years, according to the doc.

Although he put on a good show for everyone, I think it's safe to say it's a win-win for all involved that we don't have to come back anytime soon. 

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